I wish we could write our own happy endings
by NSandBLforever
Summary: One-shot, post finale. A better ending for Nate and Serena. "So grant me this wish and meet me back here in a year If we still exist, I can let go of my fear Fear of normalcy Fear of the solid walls of our future and let go of my past"


**A/N: Wasn't that a horrible finale to a shitty show, you guys? I actually feel a little sorry for the DS shippers, I wouldn't want to have that ending for my OTP. Anyways this just something I cooked together in a hour, so it's not my best work. I just needed another ending in my head. For those of you that read my story, Where the lost ones go, I haven't forgotten it though it seems like I have. I just haven't had any inspiration. But it will be continued. I promise! Anyways, read and review :)**

* * *

"..._And I left my scarf there at your sister's house_

_And you still got it in your drawer, even now_

_Cause there we are again, in the middle of the night_

_We're dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light_

_Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well_

_And maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much_

_But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up_

_Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well"_

* * *

In life you carry with you things you rather escape.

Regrets, doubts, choices.

Even memories.

I have all the above.

That's what I'm thinking about when my plane lands.

That, and where I'm heading.

The journalists are waiting for me as usual and shower mw with questions I couldn't care less about now.

They ask me if I'm running for mayor.

I tell them no comment. Even though I know I never in my life will do it.

That's not what I want.

But I don't deny it or confirm it. Because that keeps them curious, keeps them interested.

I sigh as I close the door in my car.

I wish I wasn't going to a wedding.

* * *

I kiss Blair's cheek, I shake Chuck's hand, I hug Henry.

I walk around like a zombie greeting everyone.

Blair point me to a chair and i sit down, rub my forehead.

Wish I was anywhere but here right now.

You don't choose who to love. You don't choose who hurt you.

You can't choose the ending. Your ending.

But unfortunately I chose her a long time ago. I chose her to be _my_ happy ending.

She just didn't choose me.

* * *

Jenny gives me this look I know too well. But wish I didn't.

I take my eyes away from her and look around. I just find it ridiculous that we are sitting in chairs in a town house.

And the dress is over the top. Though I know why she chose gold.

It stings a little. Thinking about their history and our history.

And this. Them getting married. I might not want this particular wedding. But I would do anything for that girl.

I'd marry her on the beach or in a big garden. she would be in a white dress and bare-feet.

It would've been perfect.

I hate daydreaming, reality always fail to measure up.

* * *

Right before the ceremony starts she turns around and gives me the brightest smile.

She is looking straight at me. At least I think she is.

In that moment I would give anything to be able to read her mind. Little do I know that she is thinking the exact same thing,

* * *

Every bone in my body wants to stand up and object to this.

I can't see this whole thing ending well.

I just can't understand how she can marry him after all he did.

Yeah, I know its a long time ago. And I know that he has changed.

But that she just forgave him so easily after all the horrible shit he wrote about her, her family and friends, I will never get my head around.

Never.

Serena just jumps into things. She dives in, head first, fails to think about the consequences.

She doesn't plan. She doesn't like tomorrow.

I remember when she told me they were engaged.

I remember it all too well.

Her whole face lit up when she showed me the ring.

I assume my face didn't do the same, because seconds later her smile vanished.

And I felt so bad.

I managed to halfway stutter a congratulation.

I didn't see this coming. Not at all. They had their last falling out only months ago.

I couldn't help but to feel that she was making a mistake. Is still feel that sometimes.

Yeah, I know I'm not objective.

But I just really want to protect her. From all hurt.

_Always_.

I sighed and sat down next to her She looked at me with those big, blue eyes.

"Are you mad at me Nate?"

I didn't answer.

She looked at me, her eyes questioning.

"I just.. I don't understand it all."

"Me and Dan you mean?"

She was spot on, of course, I looked away.

"I love him, Nate." She whispered

I nod.

I knew. I know.

"But have you ever asked yourself what kind of love it is?"

I knew I was crossing some sort of line with the question.

She looked away.

I didn't say anything.

She didn't answer.

But in a way see kind of did.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

I strongly believe she thought that Dan was what she deserved. That the type of love he was giving her was the right kind.

I'll always disagree with that.

So therefore I would like to stand up in this town house and object to this shit.

But the priest never asks.

And I never do.

Again, what kind of wedding is this?

* * *

I wish it was me that was the cause of that smile she so brightly shows the world..

I wish I was standing up there.

I wish I was saying I do.

I wish I was getting the girl.

Wish that smile was mine to keep.

I fell in love with the way she smiled.

I still love her. I think everyone in the room knows it. Even Rufus and Jack Bass.

I can't seem to escape that.

Nor do I want to.

* * *

Jenny asks me to dance.

I politely tells her no.

I don't dance. Unless it's with_ her_.

* * *

Dan and Serena drive into the sunset.

I walk home alone.

* * *

I can't forgive myself.

For not fighting for her.

For not realizing that even if I didn't have a choice I would always choose her.

* * *

I might be okay

But I'm not fine at all.

I miss her terribly.

I wonder if she misses me too.

* * *

Days goes by, I don't see her.

Days become weeks, I am keeping busy with my work.

No girls.

My last real girlfriend was Sage five years ago. One of many mistakes I've done in my love life.

After her, it's been a date or two. A few one night stands.

Never something serious.

Weeks become months.

I only see Serena on events and dinners with everyone.

I miss just being her friend. I miss her being my sunshine.

* * *

Some days I don't think about her at all.

I can't seem to figure out if those are good days or bad.

* * *

"Hey, its me."

Dan.

I immediately knows that something is wrong.

He is using his "something-terrible-has happened"-voice.

Dan has always been so transparent.

"It's Serena…"

I can tell that he's been crying.

I feel my heart skip a beat, and I have to sit down.

Scared of what comes next.

But at the same time a little part of me is naively hopeful.

Maybe she left him.

I feel so guilty for thinking it.

"She is sick, Nate. Serena has cancer."

I feel the air leave my body.

My hand starts shaking and I clench it hard around the chair.

I feel my fingers go numb, but I don't mind.

I welcome that pain because I can't bare to let the thought of Serena dying sink fully in.

Dan says something about the type of cancer, treatments, how they are going to fight this.

I add an occasionally okay and yes and no.

Those small words you only say to fill up the conversation.

My heart breaks for my friend.

His wife has cancer.

_Serena has cancer._

Then my heart breaks for her too. And a little for myself.

It feels like I'm dreaming.

Sadly I'm not.

"We found out last week. You were the first one I called." Dan says it with almost no emotion in his voice.

He's not transparent now.

I don't ask why he said it or why he called me first.

And he doesn't tell me.

Deep down we both know why.

After that we don't say anything.

But neither of us hangs up the phone either.

* * *

She has broken my heart so many times now I've lost the count.

I've probably broken hers a time or two. Haven't we all used each other hearts as ice cubes to crush?

My heart has been crushed by her. And fixed by her. Then this has continued in circles. Over and over.

But I would let her smash it again.

In a heartbeat. No pun intented.

If that meant she could be healthy. Survive. Simply _be_.

And that I could be a part of her life. In one way or another.

If I get to see her smile and_ know_ her, just start smashing.

* * *

First time I sees her after I know about her illness, she is sitting in her living room coach.

I walk up behind her, she doesn't notice my presence .

She looks so fragile. I want to hold her.

I want to remove the space between us, and just touch her skin. Just feel her.

I stand there staring at her, completely silent. My eyes starts filling with water and a tear escape. I wipe it away before I whisper her name.

She turns around and looks at me.

Her whole face breaks in a way, tears streaming down her face.

"Nate…" Her body is shaking.

She stands up and I just rush over to her, throw my arms around her, hold her tightly.

"It's going to be okay." I say over and over.

Decides that it just has to be.

The other outcome unbareable.

I want to freeze this moment.

Unfortunately, life doesn't stop for anybody

* * *

I spend more and more time with her.

Dan is gone more and more.

She forces him to. Wants him to work on his novels, to sell his novels.

She doesn't want him to fuss over her.

So I take that job.

I fuss over her instead.

Blair helps me. We take shifts.

And as time goes by more and more of Serena disappears.

She looses a little piece of herself every day.

I can only make sure she will never loose me.

* * *

People leave marks on the world, often scars.

I'm so afraid she will do it.

That she will be a scar on my soul.

* * *

"I know I've hurt you" She says softly.

We are sitting in her living room.

I look at her, my eyes wide and my brows furrowed.

Not sure where she is going with this.

"Before…" She starts, looks down.

"When you and I were together I hurt you. And when I chose Dan, I hurt you… I'm just sorry."

"Serena…" I start, she doesn't let me finish.

"I might die. I only want you to know that I'm sorry." Her voice cracks.

I cover her hand with mine.

"Don't say that." I whisper.

We sit like that for a while, silent. Then I break the silence.

"Sometimes I just wish you would _remember_ us."

She turns around to face me, strokes my cheek.

"I do, Natie. I do."

It feels so good to hear her call me that again.

_Too good._

* * *

Chuck is working too much

And I think Blair is really getting tired of it.

One of those days she asks me to look after Henry. She has to spend quality time with her husband she tells me when she drops him off.

I love Henry and it's fun to spend time with him.

But I never know what to expect from him.

He says the strangest things.

The kid kind of scares me too.

I know his parents all too well and what they were capable of already at that age.

When Blair leaves, Henry looks up at me with a little crooked smile.

"I found a picture today, Uncle Nate." He says, hands in his pocket, his voice kind of smug.

He is frighteningly similar to his father at that age.

I look at him and wait curiously for him to continue this story.

"You were kissing my mum."

I start coughing over and over. Not ready to handle this development.

"Um.." I start.

"Did you looove her?" He asks.

"It's complicated, Henry." I say and open the refrigerator. Just to do something.

"I know you loved auntie Serena. I heard mum and dad talking about it."

I close my eyes.

I really don't want to talk about it. At least not with a four year old Bass boy.

"Do you want to steal her from Dan? I can help you, you know."

I have to smile at that.

I can't help but to find pleasure in the fact that he doesn't call Dan uncle.

Then seconds later I shake my head at my own pithiness and childish thoughts.

Henry is over with the TV by then.

Fortunately he seems to have forgotten about my past loves.

Unfortunately I can't seem to do the same.

* * *

Blair comes picking him up the next day.

"I think uncle Nate still loves auntie Serena!" He scrams to her and run out.

She looks at me with a familiar look on her face.

"Still, after all these years?"

She asks like she doesn't already know.

"Always."

* * *

Serena calls in the middle of the night.

"Can you come stay with me this weekend?" She asks, her voice so small.

"Of course." I say softly.

I don't point out to her what time it is.

"I convinced Dan to go on this book signing thing in LA and I have chemo so I can't go with him… And I.." She stops.

"I just need someone to be with me. I want it to be you."

* * *

I hold her hair back as she throws up.

My fingers on her back, making soothing circles.

She sobs in-between the vomiting.

"It's okay, Serena."

More sobbing.

"Sssh, I'm here."

When she is finished and I let go of her hair, my hand is full of chunks of her blonde locks.

She stares at my hands. Then at me.

Her eyes starts filling with water.

I throw the hair in the garbage and go over to her.

I gently hold her in my arms and she is sobbing against my shoulder.

"It's okay." I whisper against her hair as she clings to my now wet shirt.

Though I know it's not.

After a while she lets go of me and I cup her face in my hands. I softly wipe away the tears on her cheeks.

"Do you want me to call Dan?" I ask.

She shakes her head at me.

"He would want to be here for you now, Serena"

"I don't want to bother him." She whispers.

I don't know what to say to her. Oe what to do.

"I want you to take it all." She then says, her voice steady and firm.

I reach out and touch her hair, let my hand linger there for a moment.

She closes her eyes, a tear resting on her eyelash.

I shave all her hair away. We're both completely silent.

She goes over to the mirror and stares at her reflection.

She starts crying again when she sees her hair gone.

I walk up behind her.

Our eyes meet in the mirror.

"I know it's stupid. I know it's only hair…" Her voice is so small. She looks down.

"But I look…" She stops.

"Look at me, Serena. "

She turns around and meet my eyes.

I take her face in my hands and kisses the top of her head.

"You are so beautiful."

I hope she believes me. I mean it. She is still stunning.

I hold her in my arms for a little while and then I take her hand and lead her to the hallway.

"I have something that belongs to you." I say and reach for my jacket.

Out of my pocket I pull a dark blue scarf.

It's over seven years old. She left it in my place when we were still together and I never returned it.

She looks at me with wide eyes as I tie it around her bare head.

I can tell that she recognizes it.

Her eyes are blank again.

"You kept it..?" She whispers.

"Yeah." I look down.

"It still smelled like you."

I feel my cheeks turn light red.

"Nate…" She whispers.

I just shake my head.

Don't want her to say anything.

* * *

"Thank you for all of this, Nate. You're the best."

She is resting her head against my shoulder, her eyes closed.

I look down at her.

She doze off and I tuck her in, just sit there stroking her shoulder. Hear her breathing, feel her warmth.

She is so beautiful you don't get tired of looking at her.

I sigh.

Then I too fall asleep.

* * *

Dan comes home in the middle of the night, I wake from him slamming the door.

Serena is still asleep.

He comes inside the living room, sees his wife without hair for the first time.

Sees his wife curled up with her ex boyfriend.

He just stares at us for some seconds. Then he thanks me for being there for her.

I can see that he beats himself up for not staying with her.

When I'm on my way out, he calls my name.

"I've accepted the fact that I share her with you."

I stay silent and walk out.

How can he say that?

How can he be okay with that?

I wouldn't be.

I am not.

* * *

I keep my distance after that night.

Travel a lot and work more than ever.

I check on her all the time though.

She is better now. Chemo is done and some of her hair is coming back.

She still seems sad though. I just don't know why.

* * *

"Natie!"

She throws her arms around my neck.

"I am fine! The cancer is gone!"

I hold her closer, kiss her forehead. Sigh in relief.

I've been waiting for those words for so long now.

I feel tears coming and I don't bother trying to stop them.

She is crying too.

And we just stand there, both of us sobbing. I am not ready to let go of her.

* * *

She is telling me some kind of story from we were kids. And she does it with this wonderful enthusiasm and small crooked smile.

I just sit there laughing like a goof.

And I fall in love with her smile and giggle all over.

She cracks some jokes and I laugh harder.

And she throws her head back laughing like a little kid.

God, how I love this girl.

After a while she stops laughing and gets this sad, distant look in her eyes.

"I think it's strange you find me funny. Cause he never does."

She looks so sad in that moment.

I feel bad for her.

* * *

"Everything is falling apart, Nate. "

"He wants to move to London. I want to stay here. We got into this huge fight. And we really don't want the same things from life."

I find myself wondering what those things are.

I don't say anything to her though, I just listen.

Knows that's what she needs me to.

"I start to feel like I shouldn't have married him. I feel like I don't fully know him. You shouldn't feel that way about your husband. I shouldn't be feeling these things…"

She stops. I only hear her breathing on the other end. And then I hear small sobs.

"Are you okay, Serena?" I ask softly.

"I just… I should't be telling _you_ this."

* * *

She calls again two days later.

"It's over."

* * *

I haven't seen her for over two months. She's been dealing with Dan and everything.

I've been keeping my distance, giving her space.

Then one day she is suddenly standing in my doorway. A bottle of tequila in her hand.

"Hey"

I smile at her.

"Do you want to get really drunk?" She asks with the devilish smile I know so well.

It's a smile I'm not aware she saves only for me.

"Always."

* * *

We sit on my floor, drinking and laughing.

Feeling a moment of infinity.

"Cheers for me beating cancer. I really kicked it's ass!" She sets the glass on the floor and starts punching in the air.

I laugh and at the same time I want to cry.

I can't believe how close I was to loosing her.

We take the shot and she pours two new ones right away.

"And now for bad choices. In love and life."

I raise my glass.

"For you Natie. For you being here for me. Always." A tear makes it down her cheek.

She doesn't touch her glass, So neither do I.

She is sobbing now, I want to grab hold of her and never let go.

I don't.

Of course I don't.

"Me and Dan…" She starts.

"We couldn't last." Serena closes her eyes and more tears escape.

I make my way over to her, pull her in for an embrace.

She grabs a hold of my shirt, still crying.

"They way I felt about you, feel about you…" She whispers against my neck.

"He noticed."

I am confused. I didn't know she was feeling anything for me at all.

"Is this the alcohol talking?" I ask. Don't really want to know.

"I…" She whispers.

But she doesn't finish the sentence, just sit up and kisses me gently on the lips.

It's a small kiss, a sweet one.

A loving one.

I kiss her forehead when she pulls away.

"I'm a mess." She whispers.

* * *

A week later she is back at my doorway. No tequila in her hands this time.

She looks so determined, I can't get a word in before she starts talking.

"I'm starting to fall in love with you again. Or maybe I never fell out. Cause I think it's been there all along, right beneath the surface. But what do I know? Right?" She hits herself at the forehead.

I take two steps towards her.

"I am the girl who married Gossip girl after all. I am the one who married the man that wrote such horrible things…" I can see that she is drifting away into her own thoughts.

I just stand there staring at her, hands in my pockets. Wondering where all this is going.

She shakes her head, more at herself than at me I think.

She is back at the initial speech. What she was starting to tell me.

"I am falling for you. But now I am leaving. Traveling around the world for six months. Finding myself, learning to love myself again. See myself. But at the same time I am falling for you and I want to be with you. But I can't, not right now. Not yet. I need to do better first. You deserve someone who is _here_. Like really is present. Who is one hundred percent sure of what she wants and who she loves."

She stops, finally comes up for air. Her eyes wide and blank. Her hands shaking a little.

I walk slowly towards her, still haven't said a single word since she came.

I stop right in front of her, crush my lips against hers. So fast she can't do anything about it.

Nor does it seem like she wants to.

Our lips burn against each other. Her hands around my neck, mine on her hips.

She pulls away a little.

"I am leaving…" She whispers. As if she think I will regret this.

As she thinks that for me this will feel like our first time.

When she took my virginity and then left the next day.

The night everything changed.

The night everything started.

"Then this can be our goodbye."

Or I hate that word.

"No better, this can be our see you later." I smile as I gently let one fingertip stroke her cheek,

She looks at me tenderly, before her lips finds mine again.

One of her hands are soon running up my back, the other one pulling in my t-shirt. She manages to remove it as I start unbuttoning her shirt.

The pace increases and we stumble towards my bedroom while removing more clothes.

When we fall on my bed only our underwear are left.

I place myself on top of her, rip her bra off.

She moans my name, I almost loose it then and there.

I leave a trail of kisses from her breasts down all her stomach.

She breathes heavily, one of her hands pulling through my hair.

I feel her whimper underneath me.

She starts nipping at my neck, my breath gets stuck in my throat.

I remove her underwar off and she pulls down my boxers.

I feel her shiver as I'm inside of her for the first time in God knows how many years.

She gasps for air as I groan against her neck.

I swallow her screams as I thrust inside her harder and harder.

At first she pushes her nails down in the sheets and grabs them tightly.

As she clenches around me she dugs them in my back.

She comes with my name on her lips, I come seconds later with her lips covering my mouth.

I collapse on top of her, she strokes my burning skin.

She starts kissing my neck before I roll over at my back.

We both breathe out and she kisses my shoulder as I close my eyes.

I start stroking her arm and then my hand finds hers and our fingers intertwine as she drifts away to sleep.

"I love you." I whisper.

"Always."

Not sure if she hears it or not.

In a way it doesn't even matter. I know that she _knows_.

* * *

_"So grant me this wish and meet me back here in a year_

_If we still exist, I can let go of my fear_

_Fear of normalcy_

_Fear of the solid walls of our future and let go of my past"_

I don't see her for some days.

Then one day she calls me.

"Will you drive me to the airport tomorrow? I want your face to be the last one I see."

* * *

We walk hand in hand to the gate.

I bought a ticket, just so I could be with her all the way.

Right when she's about to leave she kisses me fiercely and her hands clings around my neck.

I let my head rest a little against her shoulder.

Don't want her to leave, but knows that it's for the best.

This will make her stronger, make us stronger.

She kisses my cheek softly.

"I am not running this time. I promise. When I come back I'm back for good. Then it's you and me. Forever." She whispers in my ear and I close my eyes.

_Forever_.

I like the sound of that.

* * *

She sends me a text right before I watch her plane take off

_I love you, Natie. Hold on to that. Hold on to me. _

And so I do.

* * *

I'm back at the airport six months later.

Searches for her in the crowd.

When I spot her I feel my heart start racing.

It finally feels like everything will be alright.

She runs towards me and I lift her up.

Serena wrap her legs around my waist. And for a while it feels like we are the only two people in the world.

When we're finally able to pull apart I take her hand and she leans a little towards me while we're walking. Her head against my shoulder.

She is wearing that dark blue scarf I kept so many years.

She tells me stories from her travel as we walk towards the exit.

To or future.

Towards _our_ happy ending.

**_-fin_**


End file.
